There are many ways to describe what I do: temporary pharmacist with limited stock, part-time psychologist, professional babysitter, security guard, confessional, spiritualist for all of your existential needs or just simply a bartender at The Bearded Lady.
Why do you do it?
I like alcohol and live music – this job combines everything I love under one, weird roof and I told my grandmother once as a child that when I grow up I want to be just like her, a drunk bartender. I did it nan, I did it.
What do you love about the city you live in?
Sometimes they put a giant, rubber ducky in the river. Oh and also West End; this town is like a fine piece of fucking tapestry man. IT’S A TRAP! Live here for a few years and you realise it is actually impossible to walk a few hundred meters without having a conversation; you are friends with every person in your suburb and no matter what you will end up at the pub. Try go to Coles and not end up at a pub. I dare you.
Where did you go for your last holiday?
Your mum’s bed.
What's your favourite item of clothing? Why?
My socks. I love socks. I am not a ‘fashionista’ and I live off hand-me downs but socks… now that is something I can appreciate. I like long ones, short ones (not too short), shiny ones, ones with holes, ones with dumb shit on them. But most of all, I love ones that the heels haven’t worn out. I do not like those weird socks that only go halfway up your foot. Why even bother?
What was your favourite TV show when you were a kid?
I went through a stage of only enjoying black and white television, that led to a love of ‘The Three Stooges’. They rock, if you say otherwise, I’ll fight ya.
If you could travel back in time for a day, where would you go?
Either yesterday, so I could chain myself inside so I wouldn’t end up with this hangover or to the time I saw my friend stack it really hard in front of a group of very attractive male suiters; it was really funny and made me cry of laughter for a long, long time.
If we were coming over to your place, what would you cook us?
Humans can eat cat food right? That or mi goreng. This bitch don’t cook.
What's the best lesson you've ever learned?
Recorder, duh. The best lesson I have learned is that olives are evil and you shouldn’t try pick my cat up.
Tell us one thing about yourself that nobody else knows...
No, I will tell you many. I am actually seven foot tall and I hate alcohol. I didn’t once get milk from someone’s nose in my eye while I was taking a nap on a bar floor. I think dancing like a robot is dumb and I really, really love olives.
Are you happy with your work/ life balance?
I have a very blurry line between work and life. Sometimes my life is work and sometimes my work is life. Whoa man… spiritual.
How do you define success?
Waking up still drunk.
What's your spirit animal?
I don’t believe in choosing your own spirit animal. Mine was chosen by the wise Barney. My spirit animal is Phteven; that dog with a weird face that people make memes about. I probably should be pissed off with that, but you know I think I would get along with Phteven. He seems like a cool guy.
