Last Friday, walking into Brisbane's The Triffid, it was beards as far as the eye could see.
Punters were sporting face fuzz of all shapes, sizes and colours, some naturally grown and harvested, others clearly stapled on from non-biological, man-made materials.
Lining up at the merch stand, punters cleaned out stubby coolers like they're gold, not to mention everything else. This left a few stragglers muttering, but the QR code saved the day with promises of online orders.
At the bar blokes were comparing growth like it was a backyard pumpkin comp, women and clean-faced mates rocking stick-ons with pride, and the rest of us just laughing at the hairy circus rolling through.
After nearly a decade underground, The Beards have reformed and the room is carrying the weight of a sold-out show (29 August) so big they had to play a second show the night before. Yes a back-to-front, first and second show.
The Beards are comprised Johann Beardraven (aka Joel McMillan on vocals, keyboards, keytar, saxophone), John Beardman, Jr. (aka Michael Bidstrup on drums), Nathaniel Beard (aka Tom Bettany on bass) and Facey McStubblington (aka Joshua Fielder on guitar).
Support artist tonight is Adam Page. First time for me seeing Adam live, and from what I can tell this set he's rolling out is basically a TED Talk with looped instrumentation on how far you can push beard worship before it becomes religion.
Page demonstrates his wiles as a one-man orchestra, hopping between flute, sax, melodica and some strange mini guitar that is like a hybrid cigar box guitalele, layering loops until The Triffid's filling with this hairy symphony.
Adam Page - image © Clea-marie Thorne
He runs a mini mic down his own beard and loops the scrapings. It's the funkiest sandpaper sound you've ever heard. He then drags a bow across his beard as if Paganini grew up in a timber yard. It's ridiculous. It's genius, and somehow it's sounding bloody tight.
He pulls a bearded lady from the crowd, handing her a Dr. Zeuss 'Fox In Socks' book, telling her to read and rap from it while he accompanies her. Then he hauls up a bearded bloke called Damien, telling him to grab the "your-crophone" while he sticks with the "my-crophone".
The whole room is cracking up, but also genuinely gobsmacked – it's piss-funny and musically sharp as a razor. No one feels left out because Page gets us all to holler while he records us and makes us all a part of the shenanigans.
Other reviews reckon Page is spellbinding with his loop pedals and improv, and tonight he's proving it in spades. By the time he's done, the place is warmed up, beard energy is peaking and everyone's primed for The Beards to storm in and seal the deal.
The Beards - image © Clea-marie Thorne
Starting out a tad later than anticipated, the crowd held their happy vibe and it just gave more folk more beer time. The aforementioned Johann Beardraven, John Beardman, Jr., Nathaniel Beard and Facey McStubblington strut out like prophets of the follicle, welcoming us to their sold-out show with 'Born With A Beard'.
The crowd is instantly bellowing louder than cows stuck in mud, and so many fingers pointing to their own chins like it's a declaration of their hairy independence. Rolling into 'I Like Beards' and then 'This Beard Stays', the room is already at full sing-along, the walls shaking with fuzz-drunk energy.
Dedicated to the King of Beards in the crowd, 'Damn That's A Nice Beard' lands like a cheeky nod of approval, the audience singing it with smug grins plastered under the whiskers. 'B.E.A.R.D' is spelling out like some shaggy football chant, every letter shouted with beer-frothed conviction.
'Got Me A Beard' keeps the tempo high, punters bouncing while stroking their jawlines like they're grooming prize pups. 'Stroking My Beard' turns the floor into a sea of hands rubbing chins, cheeks, and whatever else representing facial hair tonight.
The Beards - image © Clea-marie Thorne
'The Beard Accessory Store' has the whole place barking back "beard accessory store!" like bearded Vikings and pirates, and sure enough I'm spotting both in the crowd. 'Touch Me In The Beard' sends couples and mates alike into fits of giggles while rubbing each other's faces raw.
'A Bit Of My Beard' takes it down just a notch, the room swaying in unison, a strangely tender moment from a band dedicated to beard-only ballads. That breather doesn't last, because 'All The Bearded Ladies' stomps through, the floor bouncing under the weight of laughter and chant.
'There's A Bearded Man Inside Me' sparks a new wave of yelling, pints held high like the room's toasting some secret hairy brotherhood. 'No Beard, No Good' features a call and response to kick off and there are not many in the room who stayed silent.
This one absolutely rattles The Triffid, punters screaming "no, beard, no good!" with the fury of men who've never touched a razor. The saxophone sung gloriously while closing out this wacky number.
The Beards - image © Clea-marie Thorne
Beardraven thanks us for coming out tonight before 'You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man', the band grinning while the crowd belts the punchline like it's gospel truth in '80s glam-rock style with a mini keytar solo, band introductions and tips on how to grab a bearded man to go home with tonight thrown in.
"Whoa, whoo hoo, hoo!" The crowd chants: "Beards! Beards! Beards! Beards!" immediately, loudly and relentlessly until they return to the stage. Beardraven asks if we want one more and of course we do.
He leads us into another short chant of "B E A R D, B E A R D, B E A R D, beard!" telling us we've given the best chant tonight. He also confesses for all these years "beards" has only been a metaphor and it could mean anything. That we could substitute it for whatever we want. . . but for him it's always beards, and also about being, in his words, "super woke". Classic Beardraven.
The Beards - image © Clea-marie Thorne
The encore is pure chaos. It starts with the banger that took them from local yokels to Aussie party staple and a familiar 'Rage' clip in the wee hours of drunken mornings. It is 'If Your Dad Doesn't Have A Beard, You've Got Two Mums' and it has the room shaking, laughter breaking out between roars of the chorus.
"Brisbane, should we jump?" and we sing the title of the song a few more times while jumping on the spot. Fans are not letting them leave the encore at that and start chanting "beards, beards, beards" again.
A shout out to Page and the crowd, they let us know they'll be back again, as Beardraven confirms "we will leave you with one more. . . it's about beards!" Well, what do you know, LOL!
The melodic keys bring in Elton John vibing 'There's Just Nothing Better Than A Beard'. Fans are swaying and smiling, and when the chorus kicks in I hear a song that is closing the night with a full-throated declaration that no one here is arguing with.
The solo has air guitars going rank, beers are raised toward the roof swinging back and forth, while the glorious bearded choir are singing "Whoa-oh-oh-oh! nothing better than a beard. . . nothing better than a beard!"
The Beards - image © Clea-marie Thorne
One last chant of "B E A R D, B E A R D, B E A R D, beard!" arrives before they leave us. Fans whoop with joy, as excited chatter fills the room already reflecting on the show.
As I leave with the many hairy die-hards dripping in sweat, grinning, I see half of them have beer froth caked into their whiskers. It's clear the bearded gospel is alive and kicking here in Brisbane. The Beards are back baby, and they're making sure every follicle counts.
Make sure you get to their next show and bring your real or fake beard along too.
More photos from the concert.
