There are few sights more absurdly beautiful than 55,000 Melburnians in Pitbull costumes, bald caps gleaming under the fluorescent glow of Marvel Stadium.
It's Fridayz Live, the annual nostalgia-palooza where the 2000s and early 2010s rise from the grave in a haze of confetti, cheap prosecco, and collective delusion that we're still in our 20s. Outside, rain lashes the streets. Inside, we're in Miami, 2011.
Jordin Sparks opens the show (25 October), smiling like the human embodiment of a Disney sunrise. She kicks things off with 'One Step At A Time', 'Battlefield', and 'Tattoo' before belting through a Whitney Houston cover of 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)'.
Then comes the closer – 'No Air'; and yes, that mic was on. She's radiant, grounded, and vocally untouchable, proving that talent ages a lot better than most pop trends.
Jordin Sparks - image © Mushroom Creative House
Then the beat drops. Tinie Tempah struts out, the only non-American on the line-up, and immediately transports the crowd back to the peak of Channel [V] energy. Shirtless, slick, and radiating charisma, he tears through 'Pass Out', 'Written In The Stars', and 'Miami 2 Ibiza' like he's still headlining the 2012 London Olympics afterparty.
When he debuts 'Energy', an unreleased track he's only performed at Fridayz, the crowd loses it. It's sweaty, euphoric, and deeply nostalgic – the kind of set that makes you wish you still had your old Blackberry to text your mates about it.
Then Eve appears, draped in a bedazzled white dress that could blind the front row. She opens with 'Who's That Girl?' and 'Gangsta Lovin'', before honouring DMX with a medley that makes even the tough guys misty-eyed.
When she drops 'Rich Girl' and 'Let Me Blow Ya Mind', the stadium turns into one massive 2000s music video. By the time 'Tambourine' hits, she's reminded everyone why she's hip hop royalty – cool, commanding, and unbothered.
Lil Jon - image © Mushroom Creative House
Lil Jon is next, and if there's one thing that man understands, it's chaos. His set is part workout, part therapy session, part rave. 'Get Low', 'Snap Yo Fingers', 'Shots' – each track a primal scream into the abyss.
Midway through the night, he even pops up in the middle of the stadium to shout out the late Fatman Scoop, a Fridayz favourite. Later, he crashes Pitbull's set wearing an Essendon jersey (promptly booed, obviously). It's ridiculous. It's perfect.
Then comes Wiz Khalifa, the human embodiment of a joint. As the unmistakable scent of weed rolls across the crowd, he launches into 'Roll Up' and 'We Dem Boyz'. He hands out giant inflatable blunts like Santa Claus at a stoner convention.
The vibes are chill until 'See You Again' plays over a slideshow of late rappers, and suddenly everyone's holding their friends, whispering "I'm not crying, you are". He ends on 'Young, Wild & Free', and while half the crowd seems fuzzy on his discography, no one's complaining.
Wiz Khalifa - image © Mushroom Creative House
By the time Pitbull hits the stage, it's full-blown hysteria. Thousands of fake bald heads glisten in anticipation. The man himself explodes onto the stage like a motivational speaker on Red Bull.
'Don't Stop The Party', 'Hotel Room Service', 'International Love', 'I Like It' – it's a greatest-hits marathon of hedonism. Every song sounds like it could soundtrack a Vegas pool party, and that's exactly the point.
He delivers wardrobe changes, pep talks, and enough charisma to power a small city. When Lil Jon returns for 'Jumpin'', the place goes feral. Say what you will about Pitbull – he's an entertainer, and he knows it.
Pitbull - image © Mushroom Creative House
And then. . . Mariah. The reason half of us are here, the reason I signed up for this assignment, the reason I've been emotionally preparing all week. The crowd collectively loses it as she glides out, diamonds catching the light like she's been kissed by God.
She opens with 'Emotions', 'Touch My Body', 'Dreamlover', and 'Hero', her voice still buttery and impossibly precise. She weaves through 'Fantasy', 'Always Be My Baby', 'Obsessed', and 'We Belong Together', sprinkling in newer tracks like 'In Your Feelings' and 'Sugar Sweet'.
There's whispering in the crowd – "Is she lip-syncing?" – but I refuse to engage. Mariah Carey could come out and read the Woolworths catalogue and I'd still be crying.
Then, the encore: 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'. Only one other city on the tour got it, and when the confetti cannons explode, it's like the North Pole met Studio 54. It's camp. It's ridiculous. It's iconic.
Mariah Carey - image © Mushroom Creative House
Was it chaotic? Absolutely. Nostalgic? Painfully. Perfect? Not even close, but as I stood there drenched in sweat and artificial snow, surrounded by Pitbull lookalikes and people scream-singing 'We Belong Together', I realised that's the beauty of Fridayz Live.
It's messy, it's unhinged, and it's pure joy. For one night, we all got to escape back to a simpler time – when pop stars ruled the charts, and we were all just a little bit more young, wild, and free.
