Postcard From The Bertie Page Clinic

The Bertie Page Clinic
Our eclectic team of writers from around Australia – and a couple beyond – with decades of combined experience and interest in all fields.

Bonjour and hola from France and Spain!


In between eating cheese and patting lots of pussy we have found some time to make music. It was a particular thrill to be offered cocaine by a dealer who is a dead ringer for Shane Warne. Our drummer also had the honour of receiving a handshake from a drunk guy with a haemorrhaging hand.

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We've been drawn into a vortex of ‘90s nostalgia, having seen many undercuts which are quite the thing in Spain right now. Other reminiscences have included conversations about the advent of the fat free Lay's ‘Wow’ chips (launched in 1998) whose cutting edge oil replacement olestra was great for dieters but held the possibility of causing anal leakage.

Bertie is sporting a great big shiner on her bum; on our first night in Paris she fell off the stage and damaged her money maker. To be fair the stage was dripping wet due to leakage (anal?) in the venue and the electricity had failed with only a dim emergency light to illuminate the fall.

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We had an incredible stay in the south of France with some pretty wild friends. The owner of one bar (who shall remain nameless) woke up the morning after a gig to find his trousers and undies scattered around the bar — he then remembered that he had taken a nuddy walk around his small village with sunglasses on his cock.

Today we're taking it easy, having dinner with a friend in Brittany. Her cat just stole a sausage from the fridge and shared it with her squee worthy litter of eight week old kittens. Bertie insists on staying in cat owning households, pussy, always pussy, we're THAT rock.

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The Bertie Page Clinic return to Brisbane next month playing the New Globe Theatre Friday July 25.

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