I blame Switzerland. It's May 24, 1956, and with the help of the European Broadcasting Union, the country has just authorised one of the most gut-wrenchingly awful and insensitive acts against fellow mankind. Of course at this point in time, nobody understands the magnitude of their actions.
I mean, there's no way a harmless song competition could ever initiate dressing in your finest rainbow tainted outfit, crafted from material similar to that of a couch, while you prance flamboyantly around a stage, belting out tunes hoarsely enough that listeners receive an overwhelming sense of emotion reminiscent of post-war depression. I mean that could never happen, right?
If you're already on your knees praying that such an event does not exist, beg for mercy while you're down there. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the wonderful month of May, and the Eurovision Song Contest is back in 2013 with more creepy child choirs, major wardrobe malfunctions and an undeserved sense of great accomplishment from all involved. I'm pointing the finger at Sweden this year, for hosting it in their city of Malmö.
As cheesy and utterly ridiculous as it all appears, every year thousands of people tune in to see these otherwise sensible countries awake from hibernation to compete for global approval on stage. Approval is such a strong word.
However, since the finals are upon us for this somewhat abnormal contest, it is in true tacky Eurovision spirit, that we look back on some of the top ten acts in no particular order, that have managed to grab our attention this year. Be prepared.
10. Greece
The fast-paced strumming of guitar and quick Greek vocals stand out straight away. So do the skirts these guys are wearing.9. Macedonia
The big-boned Esma Redzepova cakes on the make-up and commands the floor with Vlatko Lozano for Macedonia, shrieking through a hard electro background. Just beautiful.8. San Marino
I had never heard of this country before watching the competition, and after seeing Valentina Monetta represent her country in a red curtain, I still wish I hadn't.7. Moldova
Even singer Aliona Moon's hair is trying to escape from this performance of 'A Million'. The hooded background dancers create a nice and completely irrelevant touch too.6. Belarus
You know it's Eurovision when a scantily clad blonde emerges from a giant disco ball, with two solarium treated back-up dancers to greet her.5. Hungary
Hungary's entry for the contest took me by surprise. I couldn't believe they had preschool children make their film clip for them.4. Latvia
The glitz and glam revealed itself once again, when Latvian trio PeR hit the stage. Your eyesight may be affected after watching this.3. Lithuania
Your country is always going to stand a chance in winning when you've got dancing eyebrows!2. Romania
I'll pay you $50 not to giggle at least once while you listen to Romanian vocalist Cezar hit the high notes.1. Montenegro
No, this is not the grand opening of a shuttle launch, just wacky Eastern Europeans inspired by Skrillex.It's going to be tense finals experience to wrap up Eurovision for this year, and it's only a matter of time before a few of these get a spin at your local club or pub. Lord help us all.
