How are we on episode five already?!
Check out our past episode recaps here.
Spoiler alert. . . Obviously.
We’re back in feels land straight away, and of course it’s to do with Ian and his pets. His huntsman Patricia has died, so everyone can just pack up and go home now.
Then Big Brother tells Ian to be kind to himself, which can barely be heard over the sobbing throughout the country.
Angela has “dethroned the queen”, Talia, and would you look at that, Dan’s turned a new leaf and just wants to put everything behind him.
“I wish I could have done something,” he says of the divide in the house. Well ya didn’t, did ya. He approaches Angela to make sure she knows he’s a changed man. She looks suuuuuuuuuper convinced and like she definitely doesn’t suspect that there’s any strange reason that he’s chosen the morning after Talia’s eviction to have this conversation. Nothing to see here.
“Yeah great Dan, totally, of course, yep, got it, no worries.” – Angela in her head, probably
Anyway. Today Kieran has to do a three point turn so that the house can eat pizza, which is a challenge because he doesn’t have his license. In case you didn’t already know.
Kieran completes the task, not without some awkward ‘Mr Bean’-esque jerks and swivels, but he’s made a nice old gash in the wall, which means he has to go without the pizza and watch everyone else eat.
“I wouldn’t give you pizza either, when you drive like that,” Garth says, as if there’s some kind of correlation between having a license and eating (???)
Everyone gobbles down on the pizza. Nom nom nom. Etcetera.
Wait, now it’s extreme makeover time? This episode is so confusing already. Why is Dan pouting and getting his make-up done? Is this some kind of subtle payback for just generally being a douche? Suddenly I’m here for it. Continue.
Meanwhile Kieran is doing whatever he’s doing. He tells Big Brother he isn’t part of any of the groups and how that will make people nominate him. As a response to this, and a way to “make sure the target” isn’t on his back, he decides to lie to Garth and tell him Danni doesn’t trust him, and that he’s a snake. Great strategy bro.
Now Garth definitely thinks Danni is peed off with him, because she tells him his friends are in the green room. Right. That makes sense! Now Zoe is angry at Danni because of Garth, which means now Danni is angry at Garth, and. . . Ugh. Kieran, what the hell have you done?!
Here’s a photo of Kieran processing the sh.tstorm he’s just triggered all by himself.
Angela hears about it all, and goes to offload to paramedic Xavier as if he gives a single sh.t about not only this but anything else going on. Seriously, I have only just properly introduced him and his occupation and it’s episode five. Has he had any screen time yet?
Hey Siri, play ‘Wet’ by Nicole Scherzinger. It’s a new, rainy day in the house. Today’s nomination challenge has the housemates holding their finger over the bottom of a container filled with water. The last contestant left with water still left in their container is the winner.
This segment goes for 20 TV minutes, which is a long time to watch people standing around in the rain. Luckily Big Brother makes it interesting by tempting them with things to abandon their container for. Mango nectar is enough to get Sarah rushing off to the diary room (same girl, same), and her water runs out.
Sophie is out because she wants to go and change out of her soaking wet clothes.
“I am freezing cold,” Dan says, while not wearing a shirt.
Chad’s dog Buddy is in the diary room. Because he isn’t a sick, heartless human being, he gives up his spot in the challenge to hang out with Buddy.
“Aww, that’s love,” Zoe says. No Zoe, that’s common sense. Get a hold of yourself.
Now we get a shot of Chad hugging his puppy. I don’t care how old this dog is, every dog is a puppy. Case closed. Also Chad takes his shirt off.
Back outside, the remaining housemates are struggling. Big Brother offers a game advantage to the first person to make it to the diary room. Garth and Kieran make a run for it, Garth getting in first. The advantage is that he’s given an extra vote during nominations. Nice one.
The last part of the challenge sees everyone dropping like flies, with Angela applying lip gloss yet again, and making it all the way to the end. . . After almost seven hours. What. The. Hell.
Angela nominates Danni, Zoe and Garth. So. . . Well done Kieran. This has quite literally everything to do with you.
Chad asks how long there is to go until “evicuation”. Everyone gathers to hear who’s been nominated for the week. Those chosen are understandably a little upset and acting kind of shady. You know the drill.
Danni looking for any reason whatsoever as to why she’s nominated.
“It sucks, it really does,” Kieran tells Zoe even though he doesn’t think it sucks, he really doesn’t.
He heads to the diary room to tell Big Brother he’ll be voting for Danni, so that she can leave and no one can find out about the chaos he created. Even though the other two other people that were involved would be left to figure out he lied about it all. “I’m very nervous about tonight’s vote,” he says. I bet you are Kieran.
Sonia’s questions about Garth vs Danni in the eviction room lead to a lot of confusing glances and Kieran just generally putting his best acting chops to work to look as chilled as possible.
In the end, Danni gets voted out, receiving 11 votes. . . Which means Kieran’s plan worked, for a total of one eviction. Garth wastes no time letting Marissa know how the whole thing started. And it’s on like Donkey Kong.
