Room 33
That scream you hear is the collective frenzied wail of AHS fans, as tonight’s episode began with a trip to season one’s 'Murder House', the infamous mansion of misery that started it all. The year is 1926. The Countess, apparently known as “Ms. Johnson” at this time, saunters to the first owner of the house, abortion doctor Charles Montgomery (Matt Ross) with a problem. A full-term baby after only three weeks of pregnancy. Judging by her temperature reading of about 75 degrees, she is already a vampire (maybe undead vampire babies simply pop out a lot sooner?)
Montgomery’s willing to help but baby Bartholomew just won’t die; it kills the doctor’s assistant in its first few seconds of (undead?) life. “Congratulations, it’s a baby boy,” Montgomery says to Ms. Johnson, who is now happy to see the murderous spawn she just apparently attempted to abort. It’s unknown what exactly is happening here, but a plethora of flashbacks are sure to come in later episodes.
In the present, John stumbles onto the empty pool containing the glass coffin his long-lost vampire son Holden and his recently-vampiric wife Alex rest. He faints as she wakes up, giving her time to drug John and to get Liz Taylor to help her hide the coffins. Alex appears by John’s bedside as he wakes, further convincing him he’s simply losing his mind.Speaking of Liz Taylor though, she’s in love! With Tristan, the Countess’ boy-toy. Apparently they have fallen head-over-fashionable-heels. Even though this is quite possibly the first scene we’ve ever seen them interact together in. Regardless, Tristan wants to keep it a secret, though Liz is convinced Countess Gaga will see their love is genuine.
Tristan is called up to the Countess’ room, as she needs help arousing Will Drake. “Just fluff him up a bit for me, baby. I’ll finish him off,” the enchantress coos. “I don’t want to. I’m not into it,” he protests. “You are for the next hour,” she growls. The male model, with a scowl on his face, complies. Again, this is the first time this relationship has shown any cracks at all this season.
After wrapping Drake around her bladed finger, the Countess visits Bartholomew in his room, explaining she’s off with her new loaded paramount on a trip to Paris. She coos that she’ll never have to leave him again he takes all of Drake’s money.
Side note to my fellow AHS mythology nerds: In the Murder House scene, it’s implied the baby was either aborted and came back as a bloodthirsty ghost or simply didn’t die. If it’s the former, wouldn’t the baby be unable to leave the house, as the show has clearly established people are permanently bound to the place they died in? Is AHS breaking its own rules?
Ramona and Donovan strut into the hotel to kill the Countess’ vampire children. Donovan begins to have reservations and backs out, while Ramona finds she has nothing to stab as the pool is empty. It’s time for plan B; Romana walks into Room 33 with knife in hand, but Bartholomew escapes.Alex meets the bored Swedish tourists slaughtered at the beginning of the season, fresh with the blood of a smarmy hotel guest; Donovan inspired them to break the monotony of their ghostly status through murder. Alex has a better suggestion, though: what about simply breaking someone’s mind? Naturally, she has the perfect candidate in mind.
On that note, Liz discovers fired detective/ professional handsome gargoyle John Lowe sulking in a hallway after getting kicked out of another Ten Commandments Killer murder scene. Good ol’ Liz tries to take the mostly-empty bottle from John’s hand, but he insists on driving straight into this mental breakdown. He’s easy prey for the European blondes; the three waste no time getting into a threesome where geysers of blood suddenly splatter onto John’s chest – sounds like a fairly tame night at the Cortez, really.
It’s enough for John though, as he checks out of the hotel – unwittingly taking Bartholomew as a passenger tucked away in his luggage. John takes Scarlett home, but she doesn’t want anything to do with her dad after she sees him randomly fire a gun in the house. In reality John was taking aim at the apparently immortal infant demon. Scarlett is sent to her grandma’s as Alex tries to further convince John he needs help. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband, however, knows she’s going back to the hotel, no matter what she says.
Liz has a talk with Countess Gaga, who is fresh from her Paris trip. She explains the love affair with Tristan. Anyone who isn’t Liz can tell right from the tone of the Countess’ voice when she says, “Interesting,” upon being told the truth, can tell this is not going to end well.
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Tristan is called in, and he gives the Countess what for, saying everybody may think he’s stupid but he knows the only thing the Countess is truly in love with is the sensation she gets from rebuffing her army of jilted suitors. She’s enamored with the agony her lovers feel from not being with her anymore. Gaga responds by slitting the loverboy’s throat, with a horrified Liz cradling him in her arms. On the bright side, won’t he just came back as a ghost? Or does that not work once you’re a vampire?
After adding (presumably) yet another person to the list of people who want to kill her, she opens the door to Room 33, seeing Alex cradling Bartholomew in her arms. The new nanny says he got out, but he’s right as rain now. The Countess appears touched Alex saved her child, as the Countess saved Alex’s (saved/ kidnapped and turned into a vampiric monster - depends on your perspective, I guess). The final shot of the night is Gaga holding her baby, which is complete with a twisted maw.
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