Behold Brisbane's newest and most brutal jazz orchestra, the Valtozash Bigband.
They play jazz-metal. It’s a jab in the eye with a sopranino saxophone; a punch in the jaws with a 24-inch power ride; you’re genre-bone will hurt; you’ll crave trumpet in every band.
Recently described as ‘innovative but kind of messed-up’, the band splices the textures and improvisation of jazz with the numerous styles of metal: thrash, grindcore, march, ambience, amongst others.
Under the oppression of Andre Bonetti, composer and electric-vibraphonist, Valtozash boasts a seven-piece horn section. They also like scanning stuff... apparently.
Selfies!
My friend and I had a selfie competition – my selfie-stick was clearly victorious. Your night out will be extra memorable if you wipe a scanner on all your friends faces. Also good for taking pictures of food.Imitate Men In Black
“All right, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.” Be sure to explain that this is an older model.Custom greeting cards
Nothing says “I love you” like a scan of your bellybutton. You can also... Oh, I’m supposed to keep this PG.Surprise attack
Interested in mugging? Leap out at your opponent with a handheld scanner; once they get over the disorientation of bright lights, the confusion will buy you a precious few, extra seconds.Replacement wallpaper
My housemate did a project where he wrote on the walls. Unfortunately it didn’t come off. Simply scan a clean area of wall, print, sticky tape and your landlord will never know. For better results use a colour printer.Valtozash Bigband play the Brisbane Jazz Club 18 October.
