Man has long searched for the perfect accessory to his face.
Whether spending countless hours pointing a boom-box playing ZZ Top into his face in a desperate attempt to unleash puberty or just lovingly looking at Ron Swanson's majestic bristles, mankind has always aspired to greater face fuzz.
In celebration of Weird And Beard's second show at the Brisbane Fringe Festival, they've decided to put together a Top 5 list of beards that don't exist currently in our astral plane, but we thoroughly wish did.
Renewable Pizza Beard
You're up late at night, you're hungry, it's not cheap Tuesday and you really don't have time to wait around for a delivery driver to spend ages searching for your apartment as if it were in the mystical planes of Narnia. With a renewable pizza beard, every shave is a meal.
Charnstar AndersonTentacle Beard
No, this is not an elaborate tentacle porn joke (although we seriously considered it. You're welcome). A tentacle beard's bristly appendages could help you open your front door when your hands are holding the shopping, play the piano like Bill Nighy or help yourself to a serving of Doritos without once taking your hands off the PS4 controller. Hell, it could even reach down into your pants – ah crap, we said we wouldn't do that. Moving along...Time Travelling Beard
Ever wanted to send your five o'clock shadow back to 5.AD to tickle the baby Jesus's little face? No? Me neither. Who knows, maybe Hitler wouldn't have done all those horrible things if he had just once felt the loving embrace of a time travelling disembodied beard just once?
Peter ThruppGlow In The Dark Beard
Sick of getting highly toxic goo in your beard after a sick night of raving? Throw those glow-sticks made in slave conditions away and throw on a customised raver beard! No need to cover yourself in phosphorous, this psychedelic stubble will give you something to stare at when you're on the come down from an all-weekend bush doof.Swiss Army Beard
Don't worry about searching for a wine opener at a slightly awkward family event ever again. On top of getting drunk to tolerate your relatives, the accessories are endless. Plus, the irony of having a hair trimmer located within your beard is too delicious to resist. The only downside? It combines two things that immediately make airport security suspicious – facial hair and sharp objects. But once you get beyond the cavity search, your beard will be the highlight of any party.
Tim Byrnes 'Weird And Beard 2: Electric Beardaloo' plays The Milk Factory as part of Brisbane Fringe Festival, 23, 26 & 30 August.
