So the US government has shut down. Why should you care?
Federal agencies in the US have been ordered to shut down after a dysfunctional Congress, divided by President Obama's Affordable Care Act, couldn't get a budget across the line that would stop the country from running out of money.
I think we can agree that sounds... pretty bad, but what does it actually mean for you?
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Are you a federal worker in the US?
About 800,000 federal workers will report to work tomorrow — for about four hours, just long enough to change their voicemail messages and complete other shutdown-related chores. Then they'll be furloughed — forced into temporary unpaid leave until the government is open for business again.
On the off chance that you are a US federal worker, and you're spending the hours immediately following the government shutdown perusing an Australian entertainment website, we're sorry it's come to this.
Are you a military employee?
Good news — you'll continue to serve, but you won't actually be paid until the shutdown is over. You're cool with that, right?
Do you like museums and parks?
The shutdown is pretty much a disaster for tourists — the Smithsonian museums in Washington will close, and so will the Smithsonian National Zoo, where cameras have been recording the movements of a panda cub born on August 23. Not only will the zoo shut down, but the panda cams will actually be turned off, effective immediately.
The Statue of Liberty, Yellowstone National Park, Arcadia National Park, Skyline Drive and Philadelphia's Independence National Historical Park, home of Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell, will all be closed. Incredibly, even the Grand Canyon will be shut down — you'll be turned back from entrace gates and overlooks will be cordoned off, but a state road inside the park will remain open.
Other parks that don't have gates or entrance stations will remain open, because, you know, how could they not?
Are you an animal?
Fear not, panda baby. Though the panda cams will be turned off, the care and feeding of the National Zoo's animals will continue as usual. This just means you'll have some privacy for a change.
Don't worry, this guy's doing fine.
Are you on a plane?
I sure hope you're enjoying it, because the government won't be taking complaints from airline passengers. The planes will keep flying, however, and passports and visas will be handled as usual. Air traffic controllers will keep coming into work. Accident investigators — you know, the guys who respond to air crashes — will be furloughed, but that's probably not important.
Are you on a train?
Amtrak — the National Railroad Passenger Corporation — will continue normal operations for a time, meaning trains won't be any later than usual at first. The longer the shutdown goes on, however, the longer Amtrak will be forced to go without federal subsidies, relying solely on ticket revenue. So you should stop downloading trains.
Do you like antiquated forms of communication?
The US Postal Service has its own independent funding source (presumably an eccentric billionaire who refuses to send emails), so you and Win Butler will still be able to send your love letters. You'll still be able to send packages, too, but don't bother sending anthrax through the post in an attempt to shut down the government — they're way ahead of you.
Are you contagious?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) will have a reduced capacity to investigate the outbreak of diseases, and its tracking of flu and other contagious diseases could be interrupted. Conditions are perfect, in other words, for the zombie apocalypse, which you kind of always knew would be caused by the Republicans.
Are you a gun nut?
Buying and selling guns will be significantly be more difficult, as the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms — the body that processes permit requests — faces significant cutbacks. Finally, Congress found a way to pass responsible gun control measures.
Are you a veteran?
If the shutdown continues into late October, the Department of Veterans Affairs will run out of money for compensation and pension checks for more than 3.6 million veterans. Of course, if America has devolved into a lawless, zombie-ridden hellhole by that stage, war veterans will probably still have a leg up on the rest of the citizenry.
Are you Bruce Willis?
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory's Near Earth Object Office will not be tweeting the public about "potentially hazardous" asteroids and comets. In fact, 97 percent of NASA is furloughed right now, which isn't really a problem — it's not like an asteroid the size of an office building had a close call with Earth just last year.
Are you the President?
Congratulations! Unlike those 800,000 federal workers we mentioned earlier, you will continue to receive your $400,000 salary as usual.
Your controversial Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, will also roll out as planned, because it's a permanent entitlement that isn't subject to annual funding by Congress. So this is all for... what, exactly?
