Open Letter From Simon Taylor About What Comedians Are Thinking During A Show

“'What goes on inside a comedian’s head when they’re on stage?' I hear no one ask. Well, below is a snippet of a stand-up routine that will reveal the unsought answer:

When is the MC going to bring me up? It’s been like 10 minutes, come on! Oh god, do not do more crowd work you piece of… there he goes. More crowd work. I won’t get out of here until 11 now. I want to watch Baby Yoda. Okay here we go.

'But that’s enough, from me. Ladies and Gentlemen you’re going to love this next guy. He’s a good friend of mine.'

We’ve never hung out.

'I’ve worked with him a lot.'

Twice.

'Please put your hands together and welcome to the stage, Simon Taylor!'

Alright, well the audience has stopped clapping before I’m even at the mic so this is going to be a struggle.

'Hello! How we all doing?'

Okay good, some responses. There is enough beer in them.

'This is fun! The last fun thing I did before this gig was I played Monopoly with my parents. But they play Monopoly by the modern rules. That’s where my parents start with all the property. . . And I just wait for them to die.'

Phew. Okay that’s a good laugh. No need for a noose tonight.



'My parents are so condescending, they tell me that if I want to afford a house maybe I should stop eating all that smashed avocado. Well let’s do the math: brunch is $25 a pop, let’s say I do that four times a month, that’s $100, which means it costs $1,200 a year. So if I want to put a deposit on a house in the inner-city I have to stop eating smashed avocado for 20 to 30. . .'

Don’t forget to pull the mic away from your mouth so you don’t blow the speakers.

'THOUSAND YEARS!'

Hmmm, the left side of the crowd is quieter. I’ll spend more time over here.

'I’m a millennial so I have big dreams for small results. I want to be a multimillionaire so I can afford a modest apartment within two hours of the city.'

Okay screw the left side, the right side is where the love is at.

'Anyway…'

Surely I’ve done enough time to get paid. Oh sh.t I need to get raisin toast on the way home. Do they sell that at 7/11? Maybe I could get a hot chocolate there too. My girlfriend will be able to smell it on my breath and she’ll ask me about it. She’ll be upset I didn’t get her one. But they get too cold to bring home. You know what, I deserve a hot chocolate, this has been a good gig.

'There are no auctions for young people. They can’t ask for money, they’d have to get them to bid with Instagram followers.'

Oh no, I’ve lost them on that one. I don’t deserve hot chocolate now. But I’ll need one to make me feel better. I’ll never make it now. I’m a failure. Why even do stand-up anymore? I’ve wasted my life. I’m going to have to go back to uni.

'So… my girlfriend’s parents think I’m gay.'

Aaaand they’re back. I’m a comedy god.

FINISH!

. . .And there you have it! A little insight into the mind of a comedian. Now come to my show so you can witness me cover up my daily mental breakdown.”