Luke Heggie is touring his new comedy show around the country.
He has just one request: “No lowbreeds please”.
Here, he pens an open letter especially for tiprats, the subject of his show.
“Dear tiprats,
You know who you are.
If you've ever waved at a TV camera in public, you've ever said: “Can I have a sip?”, you tell me after a big purchase that you could have gotten it cheaper, you can tell the difference between sizzling bacon and a flushing toilet in a secret sound competition on the radio, you hang your toilet paper underhand, you've ever weaseled your way into a change room to meet some footballers, you rent your house out at grossly inflated holiday rates and then ram it with seashells and re-affirmation statements painted onto driftwood saying: 'live for the moment' and 'dance by yourself', when what you mean is 'pay for cleaning and breakages you slugs', your signature takes longer than three seconds to perform (you little, little man), you have a remote control caddy, you call something as small as a meatball a 'rissole' (I wouldn't have the nerve), you take your neighbour along to buy a secondhand car to help you in the gang-up-haggle phase of the purchase, the first thing you say to the filth is: “I was just minding my own business”, you empty your coin purse onto a counter to get rid of some change when there's a line, you say “anythink”, “sumpthink”, “capsicun”, “punkin”, “cockaroach”, “advocado”, “athalete”, “one foul swoop”, “midrift”, “ex cetra”, or you don't think John J. Rambo is the best action hero ever, then stay away from me and my show.
That is all.
– Luke Heggie”
You know who you are.
If you've ever waved at a TV camera in public, you've ever said: “Can I have a sip?”, you tell me after a big purchase that you could have gotten it cheaper, you can tell the difference between sizzling bacon and a flushing toilet in a secret sound competition on the radio, you hang your toilet paper underhand, you've ever weaseled your way into a change room to meet some footballers, you rent your house out at grossly inflated holiday rates and then ram it with seashells and re-affirmation statements painted onto driftwood saying: 'live for the moment' and 'dance by yourself', when what you mean is 'pay for cleaning and breakages you slugs', your signature takes longer than three seconds to perform (you little, little man), you have a remote control caddy, you call something as small as a meatball a 'rissole' (I wouldn't have the nerve), you take your neighbour along to buy a secondhand car to help you in the gang-up-haggle phase of the purchase, the first thing you say to the filth is: “I was just minding my own business”, you empty your coin purse onto a counter to get rid of some change when there's a line, you say “anythink”, “sumpthink”, “capsicun”, “punkin”, “cockaroach”, “advocado”, “athalete”, “one foul swoop”, “midrift”, “ex cetra”, or you don't think John J. Rambo is the best action hero ever, then stay away from me and my show.
That is all.
– Luke Heggie”
Luke Heggie Dates
8 March – The Comedy Store (Sydney)14-18 Match – Fowler's Live (Adelaide Fringe)
23 March – Mingara Rec Club (New South Wales)
24 March – Australian National University (Canberra Comedy Festival)
29 March-22 April – Mantra On Russell (Melbourne Comedy Festival)
27-29 April – Studio Underground (Perth Comedy Festival)
10-13 May – Factory Theatre (Sydney Comedy Festival)
