Christian Hull has enough stories to last a lifetime.
He's built a following online thanks to shameless documentations of his life's ups and downs, as well as the creation of some memorable, hilarious characters (including alter ego, Trish). You also might have watched him excitedly fold t-shirts or guess the colours of paint.
Now, he'll present his adoring entourage with 'What A Mess', a show about all the times he's had to fend for himself and ended up in many near-death experiences. He's afraid of the outdoors (and who wouldn't be? It's a jungle out there right now), not to mention he's got a horrific fear of pooping his pants in public – say that three times fast.
It's safe to say you'll leave 'What A Mess' wondering how Christian's managed to keep himself alive for this long.
Here, on theme with the show's name (and his crippling fear of course), Christian pens an open letter to anyone who might have pooped themselves in public. . .
“Dear people who have pooped themselves in public,
It’s okay! I am here with you. I have done this before, many times in fact. Enough that I should see a doctor to check that everything is working correctly.
I want to let you know it happens and it’s perfectly natural. Let’s end the stigma around sh.tting oneself.
Sure it could be a low point in your life. You might be shopping at Bunnings or walking with a friend and think. . . 'I think it’s a fart'.
But 9 times out of 10 it's usually the beginning of food poisoning or you ate too much chilli for dinner the night before.
Your confidence trumps your doubts and you release a tiny bit just to check, and then, BAM! You’ve soiled yourself again.
Then comes the waddle you have to do. You think you are masking what has just happened but everyone can tell.
Just embrace it (not physically, that’s disgusting) and confidently walk with your head held high. Don’t stress about the people asking, 'why can I smell fertiliser?', or them looking at the bottom of their shoe to see if they have stepped in something. Just briskly walk past them and to the nearest bathroom and pretend everything is fine.
That’s how I do it. That’s how I get away with it 72 per cent of the time.
Please don’t feel shame or embarrassment, it’s a perfectly natural human bodily function.”
It’s okay! I am here with you. I have done this before, many times in fact. Enough that I should see a doctor to check that everything is working correctly.
I want to let you know it happens and it’s perfectly natural. Let’s end the stigma around sh.tting oneself.
Sure it could be a low point in your life. You might be shopping at Bunnings or walking with a friend and think. . . 'I think it’s a fart'.
But 9 times out of 10 it's usually the beginning of food poisoning or you ate too much chilli for dinner the night before.
Your confidence trumps your doubts and you release a tiny bit just to check, and then, BAM! You’ve soiled yourself again.
Then comes the waddle you have to do. You think you are masking what has just happened but everyone can tell.
Just embrace it (not physically, that’s disgusting) and confidently walk with your head held high. Don’t stress about the people asking, 'why can I smell fertiliser?', or them looking at the bottom of their shoe to see if they have stepped in something. Just briskly walk past them and to the nearest bathroom and pretend everything is fine.
That’s how I do it. That’s how I get away with it 72 per cent of the time.
Please don’t feel shame or embarrassment, it’s a perfectly natural human bodily function.”
Christian Hull plays Factory Theatre (Sydney Comedy Festival) 6-7 May and Astor Theatre (Perth Comedy Festival) 13 May.
