It's been a relentless few years for comedian Harley Breen.
He's had to deal with the craziness of COVID, for starters, but on top of that, he's had another child, moved house three times, filmed a brand-new TV show, gone on a multi-state road trip, been the face of a beer cologne, and bought a dog.
But that's just the last few years – the award-winning comedian TV host and radio personality has also regularly been seen on our screens in the likes of 'Hughesy, We Have A Problem', and 'The Project', and he's gained a following for his relatable storytelling and stand-up stylings.
Now, Harley's hitting the stage again for his show ‘Relentless’, and everything is as it should be.
Here, Harley writes an open letter to his beloved Landcruiser, Princess Fiona. . . Who plays something of a role in 'Relentless'.
“To my dearest Princess Fiona, the First Lady of Hill Climbs, the Duchess of Ditches, (otherwise known as my 1978 FJ40 short-wheel base Landcruiser.)
Fiona, it's with a heavy heart that I pen these words, hoping that one day you will hear them. It certainly won’t be new information to you that you are one of my dream cars. Ever since I received my first Matchbox car of a Landcruiser I was obsessed with your family; the Shorties.
As you know we've been together since the summer of 2017, some call it the 'Summer Of Love'; I think of it as the beginning of a life-long adventure. After watching the royal documentary 'Shrek', I got the idea to christen you Princess Fiona because you’re a regal little beast.
And now you’ve been taken from me. I thought I had left you safe and secure.
When I last saw you, you were all tucked up inside a shed wearing your chastity wheel lock on a bush block in the middle of the People’s Republic of Country Victoria. The family and I were setting off on a family road trip. In hindsight, I should have taken you with us but the no aircon and the, quite frankly, horrific way you drink fuel just wasn’t going to cut it with the wife and children.
In my absence, it seems that some reprobates slunk into your hibernation chamber and took you from me on a non-consensual joy ride. These bottom-feeding hooligans have committed treason of the highest order and shall pay for their act of war.
Since the day you were taken, I have been trying to get back to you. There is so much kindness in the world, Fiona. People have been reaching out from all over the country and even the globe. One gentlemen in Port Hedland Western Australia said he saw you driving the streets of the Pilbara, which of course is ridiculous because as you and I both know, though you're in great shape, you're an old royal now and a drive across the Nullarbor would almost certainly kill you; if not bankrupt the idiot responsible.
I’ve been in contact with members of the local constabulary on several occasions as to the progress of locating your whereabouts. I’ve been assured by Senior Inspector Young, (who is coincidentally an honourable and delightful chap to confabulate with) that they are narrowing in on the buffoons that have violated you. In fact, just the other day I received further correspondence from Inspector Young via the telephone that he believes he knows who has you. And I quote here ‘Yeah, we know who’s done it. It’s a sh.t family from Ballarat’.
As you can imagine, Fiona, that information filled me with renewed optimism.
But this next piece of information has floored me and even more so as I relay it to you. Just yesterday I received a ransom note! I assume it is from the degenerates that took you. They have demanded that I contact them immediately to pay the amount they desire, or they will be burning you in the bush! Although I noted in their letter that they do not yet know your official title and for that I am grateful, if they were to discover you are a royal, I fear that I just may never see you again. . .
The police assure me that they can now track the origins of the message from my phone. I don’t even have to physically take it in. Inspector Young assures me he can access my device from his headquarters. . . There’s just a slight hold up as I have a few things to delete from my phone.
I have such enthusiasm that any day now we will be reunited!
In the meantime I have sought therapy by way of a live tribute to you as part of my new live show 'Relentless', where your fate will be revealed.
Yours in hope and faith,
Harley Breen”
Fiona, it's with a heavy heart that I pen these words, hoping that one day you will hear them. It certainly won’t be new information to you that you are one of my dream cars. Ever since I received my first Matchbox car of a Landcruiser I was obsessed with your family; the Shorties.
As you know we've been together since the summer of 2017, some call it the 'Summer Of Love'; I think of it as the beginning of a life-long adventure. After watching the royal documentary 'Shrek', I got the idea to christen you Princess Fiona because you’re a regal little beast.
And now you’ve been taken from me. I thought I had left you safe and secure.
When I last saw you, you were all tucked up inside a shed wearing your chastity wheel lock on a bush block in the middle of the People’s Republic of Country Victoria. The family and I were setting off on a family road trip. In hindsight, I should have taken you with us but the no aircon and the, quite frankly, horrific way you drink fuel just wasn’t going to cut it with the wife and children.
In my absence, it seems that some reprobates slunk into your hibernation chamber and took you from me on a non-consensual joy ride. These bottom-feeding hooligans have committed treason of the highest order and shall pay for their act of war.
Since the day you were taken, I have been trying to get back to you. There is so much kindness in the world, Fiona. People have been reaching out from all over the country and even the globe. One gentlemen in Port Hedland Western Australia said he saw you driving the streets of the Pilbara, which of course is ridiculous because as you and I both know, though you're in great shape, you're an old royal now and a drive across the Nullarbor would almost certainly kill you; if not bankrupt the idiot responsible.
I’ve been in contact with members of the local constabulary on several occasions as to the progress of locating your whereabouts. I’ve been assured by Senior Inspector Young, (who is coincidentally an honourable and delightful chap to confabulate with) that they are narrowing in on the buffoons that have violated you. In fact, just the other day I received further correspondence from Inspector Young via the telephone that he believes he knows who has you. And I quote here ‘Yeah, we know who’s done it. It’s a sh.t family from Ballarat’.
As you can imagine, Fiona, that information filled me with renewed optimism.
But this next piece of information has floored me and even more so as I relay it to you. Just yesterday I received a ransom note! I assume it is from the degenerates that took you. They have demanded that I contact them immediately to pay the amount they desire, or they will be burning you in the bush! Although I noted in their letter that they do not yet know your official title and for that I am grateful, if they were to discover you are a royal, I fear that I just may never see you again. . .
The police assure me that they can now track the origins of the message from my phone. I don’t even have to physically take it in. Inspector Young assures me he can access my device from his headquarters. . . There’s just a slight hold up as I have a few things to delete from my phone.
I have such enthusiasm that any day now we will be reunited!
In the meantime I have sought therapy by way of a live tribute to you as part of my new live show 'Relentless', where your fate will be revealed.
Yours in hope and faith,
Harley Breen”
Harley Breen plays Athenaeum Theatre (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) 12-24 April, The Rechabite (Perth Comedy Festival) 6 May and Comedy Store (Sydney Comedy Festival) 12-15 May and Brisbane Powerhouse (Brisbane Comedy Festival) 19-20 May.
