Songwriter, performer and comedian Andrew Hansen is here to solve all the world's problems, in 'Everyone Else Is Wrong’.
Andrew has a pretty solid track record of always being correct – about everything – so who better to assure you that the world is absolutely not doomed?
The man of many talents, who most will know as a member of The Chaser, has done it all.
He's been on television, written and performed in stage shows, been heard around the country as a radio presenter, and of course been welcomed by crowds during fringe and comedy festival circuits around the country.
With 'Everyone Else Is Wrong', Andrew will bring audiences a sizzling new slate of music and sketches about how things ought to be done.
Here, he concocts a list of five things everyone else is wrong about.
One
Beeps. Appliances that beep are wrong. What purpose do the ‘reminder’ beeps on a microwave serve? I’ve heard some microwaves beep FIVE TIMES when finished. Tell me, would you really forget to eat dinner if your microwave failed to beep at you? Would you go to bed hungry, wondering where your dinner went? No! Wrong! Dishwashers do it too. It’s not as if anyone spends months eating with their hands off the floor, mulling over where their plates and cutlery might have disappeared to, only to one day realise, ‘Oh! I left them in the dishwasher last November because it didn’t beep when finished. Silly me!’ WRONG.Two
The Letter I. Why do we teach little kids that the letter I stands for ‘igloo’? That’s wrong. Yet I see it on every alphabet frieze, every ABC picture book. Sure, they start out with comfortable, familiar items, things any child would recognise: A is for apple, B is for ball, C is for cat … and then wham! I is for goddamn igloo. What?! Excuse me, professional educators, but my kids’ chance of encountering a fully frozen igloo as I push them down the street to the park is pretty bloody slim. Unless my local park is in Nunavut. Which it isn’t! WRONG.Three
Watch Ads. Why do those posh tourist guidebooks in hotel rooms always start with 50 ads for watches? That’s wrong. ‘Wow, I’m in Rome! But before I visit the Colosseum or the Santa Maria Maggiore, I want to buy a big ol’ stack of watches.’ No one thinks that. WRONG.Four
Haircut Basins. Why is every hair salon fitted with a shampooing basin designed by Nazi doctors to twist your neck in the most medically inadvisable directions? That’s wrong. Worse, as your vertebrae grind to powder, you feel obliged to politely pretend not to be in agony. ‘It’s very comfy, thank you’, you hear yourself squeak. And next, they ‘treat’ you to a 20-minute head massage! In the selfsame torture basin! ‘Ooh, lucky me. Please keep my spine dislocated in this basin for as long as possible!’ The only solution is to equip each shampooing chair with wheels – so you can still get home even though you’re paralysed from the neck down. WRONG.Five
Men Urinating. Why can’t men urinate without leaving a delta river system on the floor complex enough to sustain an entire ecosystem of rare birdlife? That’s wrong. Listen, mister, if you can aim a snooker ball into a pocket or shoot a basketball into a hoop, then you can damn well aim straight into that yawning, cavernous bowl right there. Measure the thing, why don’t you – it’s 6,000 times the radius of your wee stream. Now get it in! WRONG.Andrew Hansen plays Forum Melbourne (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) 22-24 April, The Rechabite (Perth Comedy Festival) 29 April, The Concourse 6 May and Factory Theatre 7 May (Sydney Comedy Festival) and Brisbane Powerhouse (Brisbane Comedy Festival) 8 May.
