Simon Taylor is back, and more rambunctious than ever.
The Aussie stand-up found himself in Los Angeles pretty early in his career. He was penning jokes for Jay Leno, and touring the United States.
He's appeared on 'The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon', has four comedy specials, and has received critical acclaim for his blend of smarts and hilarity.
But it's not all smiles and rainbows, if we're being realistic.
Here, Simon pens five particularly harrowing on-stage memories, as he tours his show 'Rambunctious'.
“For most people, a bad day at work can stick with you. You still have to go back the next day and face Tom, who you accused of stealing your macaroons from the communal fridge. He never admitted to it but you so know it was him and now you can’t concentrate during the morning meeting because you’re fantasising about sneaking into the kitchenette and pissing in his yogurt.
The best thing about being a stand-up comedian is that a bad day at work only lasts for about an hour. If the audience hates you, the good news is you never have to see those assholes again. The trauma, however, stays with you forever. Here are my top five nightmare gigs.”
One
My First Ever Gig. My first ever gig was in 2011 at The Comics Lounge in North Melbourne. I turned up on a Tuesday for open mic night, assuming that all the practise I had done in my mirror would pay off with big real-life laughs. I had a routine about how my cousin said something funny once. It went for five whole minutes and ended with “it was funnier when he said it”. The absolute silence from 200 audience members told me they agreed.
Two
Rovers. When you’re too old to be a Cub Scout, you become a Scout. When you’re too old to be a Scout you can become a Rover. You can take part in cool activities like sky diving, rafting, rally driving, or if you're REALLY lucky, you can go camping in Anglesea and watch three open mic comedians die on stage. Myself and two of my budding comedy pals didn’t realise that a daytime gig, on an outdoor stage in the middle of the bush to 150 drunk campers wouldn’t be the time of our lives. I did, however, learn to dodge a can of Woodstock thrown at my head. A valuable lesson in showbiz.
Three
Bond University. Two years into my comedy career I was booked to perform a 40-minute set at Bond University. At that time I had a strong 20 minutes, a weak 10 minutes and then I was going to have to riff the rest. There was no way I was going to turn down a paid gig just because I didn’t have enough material! The gig was going great until I started improvising jokes about the founder of the university, Alan Bond, and his notorious fraud convictions. I think the last line I said before I was booed off stage was “Do you guys even need to study or can your parents just buy you the degree?”
Four
Horse Racing Club. Occasionally in this business you get a corporate gig. This is when a company provides their staff with some entertainment during their annual awards dinner, or a sports club tries to liven up their monthly meetings with a jester. Usually the people there really just want to gossip and drink the bar tab dry, so the comedians have a tough time getting their attention, let alone making them chuckle. The remedy to this is to research the company or club beforehand and write jokes specific to them. Maybe you can make fun of the boss, or take the piss out of their competitors. So when I got booked to do a Horse Racing Club I thought I’d write a solid five minutes on horse racing and win them over right out of the gate. Three minutes in to my absolutely silent set, one of the members piped up saying “we don’t make fun of horses, mate”. I proceeded to pretend my leg was broken so they’d put me out of my misery.
Five
The Charity. The rooms at the Arts Centre aren’t as distinct as one might hope. I was booked to perform for an animal welfare charity, which I was thrilled to be a part of. Once I got to the venue, I kind of got lost in the maze of escalators and levels. Running late, I found the conference room and signalled to the person on stage that I was ready to go up. Confused but compliant, the speaker offered me the mic without introducing me. The crowd was cold, but I’m a professional. I was going to do my allocated 20 minute set – if not for myself, then for the good of the animals! Turns out I had the wrong room and had just performed a bunch of animal-themed comedy for the McDonald’s leadership conference. Can’t say they were 'lovin’ it'.
Simon Taylor plays Kicks (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) 8-19 April, Pavilion PAC Sutherland (Sydney Comedy Festival) 15 May, and Enmore Theatre (Sydney Comedy Festival) 16-17 May.
