Craig Quartermaine was many things before he landed in comedy.
He's making his Australian comedy festival circuit debut with his show 'The Quarterblood Prince' and here, he lists five signs to look out for in everyday life that might suggest that you're not everyone's favourite person.
One
If your first instinct when you’re at a bar isn’t to check if someone else has been waiting longer than you.. You’re the cause of several forms of cancer.
Two
If you can afford a $700 phone but not a set of headphones so you listen to your music out loud on public transport by holding it front of your face. You shouldn’t breed, but most likely already have.
Three
If your friends complain about mortgage payments and interest rates while you have meetings regarding your property portfolio... Actually, scratch that. If you don’t use the word 'portfolio' ironically. You’re the problem.
Four
Starting sentences with your resume to qualify what you’re about to say so people will take you seriously. Like 'as a veteran of 10 years', 'as a former manager of...' or 'back when I worked at...'. If you start all your sentences by listing your life achievements other people should be allowed to introduce themselves 'as a person who doesn’t give a shit'.
Five
If you buy your children babyccinos so they feel included and it holds up adults getting actual coffee. Your next major medical examination should be performed by your toddler.
Craig Quartermaine plays Enmore Theatre (Sydney Comedy Festival) 3-6 May.
