This piece was published before the coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak.
You might recognise Christian Hull as a mother of teenagers, a new young couple in love, someone who gets super excited about folding t-shirts, or his alter-ego Trish.
He's a self-proclaimed disaster. Afraid of the outdoors, terrified of flying. . . It's a wonder he's managed to keep himself alive for this long!
Christian is making his stand-up debut in a flagrantly frank, frighteningly honest tell-all comedy show, aptly titled 'What A Mess'.
“My comedy shows aren’t based around wit or clever punchlines, they are stories I share about the absolute debaucherous mess of a life I lead. I am useless, so here are the top five messes I have ended up in. . .”
One
My first time at a nude beach ended with a 77-year-old man walking up to me with the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life. I was scared, not because he was old, nude and told me he thought I “had a nice handful”, but for the fact that that thing was just swinging about and could have given me a concussion.
Two
I was accosted at a hotel by a woman who had pooed her pants and wanted me to give her my pants as she didn’t have another pair. She was in tears and I didn’t know what to do so I gave them to her.
Three
I was chatting to a man online and he had some hot pictures. I invited him over and when he rocked up it was clear I had been catfished. His photos turned out to be from the late '90s. I didn’t want to offend the man who had travelled 30 minutes to get to mine and I was terrified of any confrontation so I did what anyone would do when faced with that situation and got to work.
Four
I once cried hysterically during a flight. We were taking off, and as we were hurtling down the runway, a loud alarm sounded. Panicked, I screamed, startling the passengers around me who also looked worried about the alarm. I began to sob audibly while moaning until I realised it was my phone making that noise due to the fact I was squeezing it so hard and had triggered the 'Dial 000' sequence.
Five
I once sat on a man who was laying down on the ground. He told me he was having a seizure and needed help. This was outside Crown Casino in Melbourne. Turns out he was a sexual predator known to police, I could tell he was erect and I was just trying to be helpful. Lots of people were watching. The moment he told me to spit on him was the moment I knew that he was not having a seizure. In summary I’m a disaster of a human who is just lucky to be alive. How I have made it for the last 33 years is beyond me.
Christian Hull was due to play Melbourne International Comedy Festival which has been cancelled.
