It can be hard to take a break from booze, especially in a binge drinking culture like Australia's.
In 2018 comedian Matt Stewart spent the majority of the year booze-free and had a lot of chance to practise these five watertight excuses for when friends offer you a drink at your next social event.
Excuse One
"I've already got a drink thanks". This is a lot easier to pull off if you are actually holding a drink at the time – so make sure you're always prepared with something. Ideally a soda water or cola which you can pass off as a vodka soda or bourbon and coke, but you can make anything work. If it's a Strawberry Big M, say you've added a shot of Baileys, if it's an orange and mango juice box, tell them you left it out in the sun until it fermented.Excuse Two
"No hablo inglés" (Spanish for “I don't speak English”). Sure, your friends will know that you do in fact hablo inglés, as you've hablo'd inglés your whole life, but this should confuse them long enough that you can change to a non-alcoholic subject (such as the tennis of Rafael Nadal, Barcelona's Gaudi architecture or some other Spanish topic you've quickly Googled).Excuse Three
"Oh I wish I could mate, but the doctor just removed my liver – if you give me that beer I'll die". Even your hardest partying friends will normally draw the line at murder. You might have to back this up with a scar and stitches (which sounds extreme, but apparently so are the health benefits of reducing alcohol consumption).Excuse Four
"I'd love to have a drink, but I'm about to run a marathon" – then jog away from your friend and the party. To really pull it off, this one requires running gear – which is easier at a dress-up party than your best friend's wedding. Giving up the booze requires commitment, if that means alienating yourself from loved ones by wearing fluro activewear to important occasions, then so be it.Excuse Five
"Thanks, but I don't want to drink tonight". This is the hardest one to pull off – for it to work, your friends need to respect you. If it doesn't work, laugh and say you were joking, then use one of the previous four excuses – which are 100 per cent watertight!Matt Stewart Tour Dates
12-17 Feb - Comedy Hub @ Rosie O'Grady's (Perth Fringe World)2-17 Mar - National Wine Centre (Adelaide Fringe)
19-24 Mar - Brisbane Powerhouse (Brisbane Comedy Festival)
28 Mar-21 Apr - Chinese Museum (Melbourne International Comedy Festival)
