Kiwi comedian Jake Howie was raised in a cult, and he's ready to tell you all about it in 'Cult Fiction’.
Jake's been around – starting off in improv and acting in Auckland, he graced the stage for the first time in a north London open mic night in 2014. Since, he's played some of the world's best comedy clubs and he took his debut hour to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
Since growing up in Scientology, Jake has managed to evade cults all his life and fight against group-think – he's found himself staying silent and pushing against encouragement to be straight, partake in bogus religions, and more.
At the end of the day, it all just feels like one big cult. . . And Jake has learned that the only thing you can believe in, belong to and become. . . Is yourself.
Before he takes to the stage for this show of tales and laughs set over the course of a wedding reception, Jake carefully curates a list of five cults you'd best steer clear of.
One
A 'Hard Core' Gym. So, let’s get this straight – a sh.tty warehouse, BO-drenched padded floors, no air con. . . And I’m the one paying? F... that – any place that encourages you to wear matching outfits and engage in activity before dawn is clearly a cult. Lulu Lemon seems to be the Kool-Aid. It's also super weird how they usually stand around in pairs and watch you lift weights and do squats, screaming at you aggressively. If I wanted to spend time being yelled at by someone who suspects I won’t handle the heavy load on my shoulders, I’d spend more time with my Uncle Phil.Two
A Wellness Retreat. I can’t lie – I used to follow Goop and Gwyneth Paltrow. She once said steaming your vagina can refresh it, so I tried it with my balls and they ended up looking like dumplings. I’m all for being well and feeling well, but if true wellness involves chia seeds with a side of cocaine, you have to start questioning it. This cult is where you’re being told sugar is evil but ayahuasca is the way forward. Hold up, that ain’t right – anyone who refuses espresso as they peak on magic mushies clearly doesn’t understand the natural order of progression.Three
The Cult of the Hetero. I’ll say it – it’s okay to be straight. If you manage to carve out a personality that doesn’t involve talking about 'forever homes', you’re not included in this critique. But sometimes being straight feels like a cult where 'normality' is the badge of belonging. A BBQ at some same-as-the-neighbours house where men are cooking steaks as women prepare salads? Get out of my life. I want a BBQ where the only spit roast is in the bedroom, and anyone can toss the salad (yes, that’s a euphemism). They say cult leaders accuse their critics of exactly what they are guilty of, which is why straight people so often say 'stop shoving queerness down my throat'. I promise I’m not, I’m too busy trying to get hot boys to shove their gayness down my throat. Gobble gobble!Four
Corporate Culture. If the annual Christmas party is an event you look forward to and the only way you can be the real you is to chug vodka and say things like 'we’re like family', you need to reassess your life choices. Also, using more than one acronym an hour makes you a cockhead. The CEO is usually some private school boy who managed to nab the job by having the right last name, and we’re supposed to sit in meetings watching him fumble around 'ROIs' and 'blue-sky thinking' like he knows anything about the real world? Gross. If you’re in a company that tells you how lucky you are to be there rather than SHOWING you through equal pay, generous holidays and a positive vibe, get out!Five
A Wacky Religion. I’m an expert in this – I was raised in Scientology. I also went to evangelical Christian camp once, which was slightly better than Scientology only because there’s usually a Pray The Gay Away sleepover which is where you get your first gay hand job – so fun. Aside from that, wearing weird outfits and telling people who not to f... is so creepy – let me f... freely, por favor. And any book with that many rewrites was clearly never that great to begin with.Jake Howie's 'Cult Fiction' plays Hell's Kitchen at Rhino Room (Adelaide Fringe) 15-19 March and Greek Centre – Aphrodite (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) 31 March-10 April.