Jesse John Brand won the Australian Poetry Slam at the Sydney Opera House on 13 October, 2013.
Who is Jesse John Brand... I’m a writer, performer and musician. I’m an Australian Poetry Slam National Champion and these days I tour performing slam poetry. At the moment I’m on a tour of Australia with Abe Nouk called the 'March Of The Restless Wolves'.
I sound like... A ravenous pack of wolves tearing Helena Bonham Carter apart.
Helena Bonham CarterMy first gig was… The first slam performance I did was trying out for the Australian Poetry Slam in 2013. The heat I entered was in a little pub, and a few months later Abe and I were at the national championship at the Sydney Opera House.
When did you settle on your stage name, and was it a unanimous decision... My parents originally wanted to call me ‘the middle mistake’, but later reconsidered, as that name is very common in Sydney.
In the studio I usually... Masturbate to pictures of livestock, as all poets do.
If I could tour with anyone... Bob Dylan. His poem ‘Last Thoughts On Woody Guthrie’ made me want to write poetry.
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Social media is... A super-great way to express your opinion when you aren’t crying over not having a girlfriend and wrestling with daddy issues.
My favourite app at the moment is (why?)... ‘Scruff’, because it’s just like ordering a free pizza to your door, except you fuck the pizza guy and there’s no pizza.
To date, my most embarrassing moment was the time... That time I thought I’d found the Lindbergh baby in a dumpster and then told all my friends and family and I was super excited because I thought I was going to be famous as a crime solver and then it just turned out to be a regular baby and I was so embarrassed.
Life on the road can be... Pretty fun if you pretend you’re playing 'GTA V' and you’re good at outdriving police.
If you'll have me on your bill, all I ask is that our rider contains... Preferably an audience.
The most scary scenario I've found myself in, was... That time I thought a re-animated corpse was following me home at night and then it turned out to be Julie Bishop. It was a total ‘out of the frying pan and into the formaldehyde’ kind of scenario.
Julie BishopWhat celebrity/ famous person would you love to be spokesperson of the band... I can speak for myself.
Three people you'd like to invite around for a dinner party... The three members of Black-Eyed Peas, so I can listen to them all argue about who is the least talented.
If we were coming over to your place, what would you cook us? Strychnine.
No matter the expense, send me a case of... Wut?
The last time I saw the inside of a gym was... In a recurring nightmare.
What's the one chore you dislike the most? Cleaning Michael Moore’s cage.
Do you have any phobias... I have a pretty paralyzing phobia of performing on stage, so becoming a slam poet and musician was in retrospect not a wise decision.
Would you ever partake in a reality show? If so, what type? Probably not, because I am a) not an asinine inbred who breathes with his mouth open, and b) see above.
If you could prank any of your friends, who's your target, and how are you bringing them down? I have this friend, Billy, who loves practical jokes, and he’s really religious too, so what I’d do is, I’d dress up as Jesus and be all like: “ayo bae it’s me, jeezy, kill your parents or I’ll be hella pissed” and he’d totally do it 'cause he believes in that stuff and afterwards when he’s all like “ok Jesus I did it, wut now?” I’d be all “omg, plot twist, it’s me, Jesse, it’s not Jesus at all, I totally had you” and we’d both have a good laugh because like I said he appreciates practical jokes.
Jesse John BrandAustralian Slam champion Jesse John Brand will join Australian Slam runner-up Abe Nouk and BAD!SLAM!NO!BISCUIT! co-producer Andrew Galan at the monthly Ruckus open-mic slam on Wednesday 18 February.
