5 Schmidtty Pieces of Advice

'Schmidt' is a fast-paced, sarcasm-laced satire, aimed squarely at the health and beauty culture, which target people’s insecurities under the guise of wellbeing.

Think #thinkstagram, colonic cleanses, kale smoothies and Gwyneth Paltrow all take the heat in a very Schmidtty show.

Written by the Artistic Director of Back Porch Theatre, Lochy Maybury, 'Schmidt' is seeking crowd-funding through a Pozible campaign to get the project off the ground. Helping start the engines, the team at Back Porch will be hosting a Schmidt Party at The Mill in February.

The event promises to “tickle your nether regions with delight and heap steaming piles of wellbeing into your heart” – incase you're into that kind of thing. Plus there will be plenty of Stone & Wood and Delinquente Wine Co. drinks on offer ,– since they're sponsoring the project – live music, art, games and a gypsy woman fortuneteller from PT Barnum's archive.


Cutting right to the fat, Lochy circles 5 flabby-fab pieces of advice from 'Schmidt':

Make time, not excuses

There is ALWAYS time for a workout; before you go to bed, on the train to work, during scene changes at the theatre, at a funeral*. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you are never too busy to keep in shape.

*If you’re a pallbearer, use the coffin as extra weight for your squats.

Don’t place limits on yourself

Labels like ‘research scientist’ and ‘doctor’ can sound intimidating but remember; the only difference between them and you is their years of training and experience in a relevant field. Don’t let highly-skilled medical professionals tell you what to think; if you feel icky about vaccines, you let 'em hear about it!

Gwyneth is my shepherd

‘And she said unto the people; “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.” And the people replied “Yaaaassss! Slaaaaaay!” And there was much rejoicing.’ – Gwyneth 5:18

When you find a good thing, do it 'til you drop

We’re all aware of the health benefits of bananas, so why stop at one a day? The more of something good, the better! It’s simple maths! Fifty bananas daily is a surefire way to maximize the health benefits! Whoever said life is about balance was clearly not on board the potassium train.

Do a colon cleanse

Go on. Put a hose up your butt. Do it. Just take a hose and put it up your butt a little. Deep breath, easy does it, hose in your butt. Now turn the tap on and pump that water up your business. Get it right up in there. Easy, breezy, beautiful bowels.

(But seriously, don’t do a colon cleanse; you can perforate your intestine. And vaccinate your damn children.)

Schmidt Party takes place at The Mill 7 February, their Pozible campaign ends 11 February and 'Schmidt' plays The Bakehouse Theatre 25-30 July.