Direct from Anzakistan, Chopper is back for a night of comedy you're not likely to forgot anytime soon.You're in the US atm; pleasure or work?
Just having a look at the place before that ginger, badger-haired man-baby with a mouth like a chimp's fist sends the place to hell.How was your Christmas Chopper? Plenty of turkey and rum-balls we hope.
I had plenty of turkey balls and rum. My favourite thing about Christmas is knowing it will be at least ten months before I have to hear the word Christmas again. For me, it feels like a Jehovah's Witness that won't go away for two months.
You're bringing your Republic Of Anzakistan back for more shows in 2017… what's the biggest thing you've learnt, running your own country?
That it's easier than everyone says it is. Turns out the most expensive thing in Australia was the politicians, so I fired all of them and now we have money for useful things like hospitals and schools and monster truck arenas.Is Anzakistan a supporter of US President elect, Donald Trump?
He is so amazingly dumb. I'm amazed at how dumb he is and I will definitely support an idiot with a nuclear arsenal. He is just waiting to say 'you're fired'. If you piled dick skin into a tanning bed and then a genie gave it three wishes you would have Donald Trump. Fuck he is dumb. He is a dumb cunt. 'I have the best words' is what the dumbest, dumb cunt would say if questioned about their skills as an orator.You've said in a previous chat with scenestr that to be an upstanding member of Anazkistan is as simple as not being a 'f#ckwit'; are you still finding the odd 'f#ckwit' within the populace? How do you deal with such members of society?
I'm going to start the fuckwit games. Like gladiators but it's just a bunch of the fuckkkity-est fuckwits who are given a fork and then they are put near a powerpoint. It's like 'The Hunger Games' but Katniss is replaced with that drunk guy who has sex with traffic cones to impress his friends.
Being a tyrant-type leader (the best kind, obvs)… you must get a lot of work done, particularly passing legislation to improve the country, right?
Please, I prefer 'benevolent dictator'. And yes, I have streamlined the process by removing all the people from it. I have an idea, I consult my chief advisor who is a bottle of bourbon and if I still like the idea it's happening the next day like BAM!What's the most outlandish gift you have received from another head of state/ leader?
The Queen gave me a wristy.What are you thoughts on Stephen Smith's summer as Test captain? Surely he'd be a member of your front bench telling the national cricket team to harden the f#ck up.
Steve Smith should be more like Michael Clarke and piss and moan about all his teammates. That's the cornerstone of good leadership, throwing your team under the bus.Bob Hawke has skolled another beer at the cricket… living legend surely Chopper?
Yeah. Skolling a bear. Give him a medal.
Chopper's predictions for 2017… will Australia be at war with China before 2018 rolls around? Anzakistan sits on which side of the fence?
I'm on the side of the fence that invented yum cha. Learn to use chopsticks dudes 'cause we can't beat China in a war. If I had to pick between hot dogs and barbecue pork buns I'm picking pork buns every day of the week over those offal-stuffed wangas.What other comedic plans do you have planned? Or is the Chopper shows the sole priority these days?
Chopper shows and then I'm going to crowd-fund an art piece, which is a series of monologues about how kitchen appliances feel when they aren't given positive reinforcement. Then for the encore I make love to some roast beef while a blind Russian octogenarian heckles me. It's a passion project.2016 saw a number of fads come and go: Pokemon Go, Mannequin Challenge, dapping and celebrities dying… what will 2017's primo fad be?
In 2017 people's family and friends will die, so they can learn how dumb it was for them to get so sad about the famous people they never met that died in 2016.
Heath Franklin's Chopper Shows
Wed 18 Jan - Mt Pleasant Tavern (Mackay)Thu 19 Jan - Glenmore Tavern (Rockhampton)Sat 20 Jan - Harvey Road Tavern (Clinton)Sun 21 Jan - Kondari Resort (Hervey Bay)Wed 1 Feb - Villa Noosa Hotel (Sunshine Coast)Fri 3 Feb - Hamilton Hotel (Brisbane)Sat 4 Feb - Racecourse Hotel (Ipswich)Sun 5 Feb - Lonestar Tavern (Gold Coast)Wed 22 Feb - Adelaide Fringe @ Magic Mirror Spiegeltent