5 Things Not To Do On A First Date With Bron Batten

Bron Batten presents 'Onstage Dating' for Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Bron Batten presents 'Onstage Dating' for Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Image © Theresa Harrison Photography

Bron Batten has been going on first dates with audience members live on stage for over three years.


Before she presents her show in Melbourne (where she'll be doing exactly that!), here’s what she’s learned not to do on a first date, on or off the stage.

1. Mention your wife/husband/partner/dog.

While it’s reassuring that I now know you can commit to someone, it kind of puts a dampener on the romance factor – not to mention possible future togetherness/sexy trips to Ikea. And I just get jealous when people talk about their dogs because I really really want one.

2. Talk about your ex incessantly.

See above point. And I’m sure they were great. Just not as great as me.


3. Talk about yourself incessantly.

While I want to learn things about you, first dates are not the place to perfect your three-hour life story monologue. Be interested in the other person. Plus, here’s a hot tip – active listening is sexy.

4. Declare your undying love for Donald Trump/any dictator from history.

I know that fascists need dates too – just not with me. Or anyone in their right mind. I know you think the possibility of dating a Nazi is far-fetched – but my friend was once accidentally engaged to a white supremacist so it can happen.

5. Have anything between your teeth.

Just not a good look. And people won’t make out with you – thus rendering the whole horrific dating process pointless.

'Onstage Dating' plays The Butterfly Club (Melbourne International Comedy Festival) 26 March-7 April.

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